December 27th 2012
So
tonight I find myself wondering... will I always be alone?
Maybe
I am just meant to be a drifter, going along in this world solo with
the occasional companion. If that's how it is suppose to be I will
endure. Although it's not easy feeling lonely..
After two failed
relationships, a broken engagement and lost dreams I find myself
uncertain.
I'm not sure where I am going or what path I am on
anymore. Tonight I sit alone, wishing I had someone to hold me.. to
keep company with. I waited a year and a half for an engagement that
never was, and to be once more left alone. Is it even worth it
anymore?
Love, I always will. Those who come into my life,
whether they stay or go, will always have a place in my heart. Maybe
that's my problem... I love too much. I've felt condemned for it many
times... jealous boyfriends. Why does the world have to be so full of
jealousy, envy, negativity? Why can't we all love and care for each
other?
I guess I am still broken.
This year hasn't been
easy. I thought I had everything set. I was engaged to a man I very
much loved, I had my black stallion, the one, I thought. I had dreams
to go to the top, to go international, then stand him stud. I had
visions of riding bareback across the beach, the adventures I'd have
with my boy... but in July those dreams were shattered. Very quickly
my boy became sick, within three days he was gone.
The last time
I saw I drove to the clinic to see him, he was standing, head down in
the stall. Lines hooked IV carrying fluids from large bags hung
above. I'll never forget touching him, his usually sleek coat was
damp, sticky, and hot. For a brief few minutes he lifted his head
enough to look me in the eye. I saw his pain, he was fighting hard
for me...fighting a battle he was losing.
When I left he kept
trying to walk out of the stall with me, nudging the door weakly with
his muzzle. His eyes begged; “Mom, I don't know whats happening,
don't leave me...” My heart was sinking..
But I couldn't stay.
That evening I drove back, crying hard, trying to see through the
tears. My chest was tight with pain but still I was hoping I was
wrong, and that everything would turn out fine..
I smoked some
that night to try and get to sleep... no I smoked a lot... enough to
put me into a misery ridden coma. Sometime hours later through the
haze I heard my phone ringing. At first I thought I was imagining it,
my mind was a racing blur. I knew. I had to answer although I
considered letting it ring, as if that would make everything go away.
Make what was happening stop.
Stumbling to the phone I picked up,
my dad was on the end.
The vet had called and said my boy was
doing very bad... he wanted permission to put him down..
At first
as the reality struck me I couldn't respond. I was having trouble
comprehending my fathers words. The vet said he was down,
thrashing... in a lot of pain. They had tried everything but his
heart rate was out of control. I knew it wasn't fair, but part of me
wanted him to keep fighting, to overcome it. Reluctantly I gave my
word.
Some time close to midnight my sweet boy was laid to rest.
So young, with so much before him.
What I would give to go
back and hug him one last time...
Just like that all my future
plans evaporated. There is going to be no frolicking along the beach,
no olympic rides, no black stallion in my stable. It was over. My
best friend was gone.
It's been months now since his passing,
and although I have tried to pick myself up from the deep depression
I was in, I still have nights like this when I stumble once more into
the darkness.
I think the shock is still rippling through me, I
don't always remember things anymore and the days just go by. There
is a lot of blur and little clarity.
I know that a lot of
things went wrong, my engagement was broken off and after trying to
keep the relationship together it finally failed as well and fell
apart. I feel as if trying to pick up the pieces now is pointless.
I'm at a loss for what to say or do.
All there is to do is wait.
